as seen on a random blog
"i woke up at 2 after trying to go back into a dream because there was chocolate cake in it." - bernadette batenga
cogent thought at 00:36 courtesy of Macker [ ]


monday, december 30

whither rams?
where o where have my 7-9 st. louis rams gone? o where o where can they be?

on the official website, head coach mike martz actually says they're having as much fun as they've had all year. wha--?

go soak your heads, boys. it's gonna be a long half-year 'til training camp.
cogent thought at 22:32 courtesy of Macker [ ]


sunday, december 29

on bonding
ever meet someone and just know that you were meant to be friends? jenn, who just returned home from indonesia, is one of those people. met her, as it were (msn is a wonderful thing), in real time and it's clear we are kindred spirits.

welcome back, my friend.
cogent thought at 22:56 courtesy of Macker [ ]


wednesday, december 25

the hope of the whole world
... rests on the shoulders of a homeless man.

I do not believe truer words were ever spoken.

the faith Christians possess -- or claim to possess -- too often is lip service to an American doctrine, rather than a truly Christian one. we have been known to wrap ourselves in the flag, sing "battle hymn of the republic", and decry the great evils of our day ... all while doing no more than complaining, blaming others, and leaving the evils to fester and breach the integrity of the very foundations of Truth and Righteousness we hold so dear.

I wonder if sometimes we don't spend more time crying for justice, when perhaps we mean, "just us"? when we used to discuss (debate) my "religion", my father would tell me a joke about a man who was given a tour of heaven by st. peter. at one point they came to a vast brick wall that spanned as wide and as high a perspective as they could see. st. peter told the newcomer to walk silently past the edifice, until at last they were clear of it.

"why must we be so quiet passing that wall?" the man inquired.

"because," st. peter replied, "that is where the born-again Christians live. they think they are the only ones here."

I have been challenged more often in my faith and doctrine by a few readers of this website on this very topic: how can I know God is real? how can I be so sure I am right, that I am going to heaven, and that my belief in the
afterlife is to the exclusion of so many others? or, as my father liked to chide, "a billion chinese can't be wrong, can they?"

the answer I give is not very deep. it is not heavy on theology or rich in philosophic introspection. but to me, as I read what I believe to be God's Word, it is what I cling to, and what has helped me live a life of grace and spiritual peace these past 24 years.

the answer I give is that God saw fit to love me in spite of myself. He introduced me to people who personified unconditional love and grace and acceptance, even when I was incapable of returning them. He placed in my life those who lived, more than spoke, the Golden Rule. they were from all walks of life, all manner of demographic. as divergent a group of people as you are ever likely to meet.

and where they occasionally spoke of their faith, all of them -- to a person -- shared from their own life that someone named Jesus showed them the same grace and love and inclusion that they hoped to share with others.

Jesus said He was the Way, the Truth and the Life, and that no one comes to the Father but through Him. I recognize if one does not believe in God the Father, or does not believe in Jesus as one's savior, one would be inclined to find this doctrinal line of thinking very exclusionary.

so be it.

typically, the discussions I find myself in are so academic in their nature that they are little more than mental masturbation -- a whole lot of grinding, but ultimately unsatisfying. and my ultimate answer, to the academic, is no more fulfilling; but it is.what.defines. Who Macker Is.

the litmus test for me -- is Christianity real? is it valid? is it TRUE? -- is this: if Jesus has made a difference in my life, if I truly believe He is Who He said He is, am I living my life accordingly? am I modelling my life after His? is He in me? where is the radical, subversive, life-changing power of His birth and resurrection in my life? He said He died for me; am I living for Him, or still living for me?

it was recently suggested to me that Christmas has gone from being a relgious holiday to a secular (commercial) one. and when halloween is celebrated by my local fire station in the form of creepy crawlies adorning the building but not a single decoration can be found at Christmastime for fear of lawsuit, I am inclined to agree. but I am not sure it matters: american Christians are no less commercial or superficial, no more chaste, no more faithful; what would be the point of continuing to fight for Christian principles or morals that we are no more inspired to live by than do those whom we look upon as unregenerate sinners?

"It is very improbable that a man will die for his religion, when he cannot be persuaded to live according to it." - john tillotson

and so it comes to this. to the extent that Jesus has made a difference in my life, and I am willing to acknowledge it, is the extent to which others will see fruit of it in me. Christmas need not be commercial, if it represents the rewriting of history.

starting with my own.

here is a trustworthy saying
cogent thought at 00:42 courtesy of Macker [ ]


tuesday, december 24

gifts of a lifetime
a sizable gift certificate from amazon.com
a 4.0 average in my graduate studies
up to two feet of snow forecast for Christmas day
cogent thought at 16:01 courtesy of Macker [ ]


sunday, december 22

overdue
seems the theme of my life at the moment: just finally got most of my Christmas shopping done today ... have yet to complete a project for work from august ... and a freelance job from october ... and a promised project from september.

and now, shopping for my wife, and not even mustering a clue as to what special item would be appropriate to show her my affection and appreciation and respect ... and love.

there is no material thing that can properly communicate what a person means to you, true. and yet, there are so many thoughts that can be represented in what we give.

and still, in all I do, in all that I am, I have little thought, little emotion ... little investment.

can the turn of the year turn the tides? we will know soon enough.
cogent thought at 16:46 courtesy of Macker [ ]


tuesday, december 17

getting in the spirit
one of our favorite holiday classics: misty mountain wonderland
cogent thought at 21:47 courtesy of Macker [ ]


monday, december 16

wish list
they say it's better to give than to receive. so in keeping with such sentiment, feel free to give early, give often.
cogent thought at 15:17 courtesy of Macker [ ]


friday, december 13

the gift that keeps on (not) giving

not sure what to buy for people at this, the most materialistic and economically frenzied time of the year? how about n0thing!
cogent thought at 16:14 courtesy of Macker [ ]


thursday, december 12

politics in spite of my political agnosticism

or, "as seen written by me elsewhere":

I don't read the news, per se. I don't care for politics, and this is all
the iraq story is. in my mind. the most I read of it is from the daily imus
newsletter, which does a decent job of culling all the day's top stories. I
'll read a select few of them, and listen to the top news stories on cbs
880am. this may leave me exposed to accusations of ignorance, but I don't
know that I need to be deeply knowledable on hans blix (sp?) or the inner
workings of the u.n. security council.

I know these things:

1. saddam hussein is a menace. whether we are on the moral high ground by
sabre rattling (and that is ALL we have done thus far), he is a significant
threat to the stability of the region, and he is a murdering thug who does
not even care about his own people. whatever righteous indignation we all
have should be directed at his ouster (ousting?).

2. there are countless atrocities committed in the world every day, and
they are all tragic. still, there are some that are more pertinent to the
interests of the u.s. than others. sometimes it is as crass as economic
self-interest. I believe governments should exemplify more compassion when
they have the means to do so, and should encourage and reward its people for
doing the same in their own lives, rather than a) promoting the notion that
government should meet people's needs; and/or b) penalize people who do not
by way of legislating morality. but these are very ideal notions.

3. whether we agree or not, the united states has a history of asserting
its might, and bringing its myriad assets to bear, on any number of issues
on the world stage. to kowtow to the "popular" opinion of those who do not
have the track record to do the same is to allow events to dictate policy.
I wholeheartedly agree with hoo that we should take great pains to know the
will of other countries, but they cannot, and should not, be the deciding
factor in what actions we as a nation (or government) choose to take in any
given circumstance.

4. much of the social and even politcal ills we witness over time have
deeper roots than we have memory, and more intrinsic causes than we have
patience to address. that is, as einstein said, we cannot solve our current
problems with the same level of thinking with which they were created. it
is far too easy for all of us to lob stones at one another and say we are
right than to actually take pains to find common ground. unfortunately,
with such cases as 9/11, there at times can be no middle ground: you do not
'dialogue' with terrorists, but you can certainly work toward changing the next
generation's perceptions.

5. I sometimes wonder if the sanctions handed down to saddam hussein were
too harsh. see germany circa 1920. but the man agreed to them, had no gun
pointed at his head (literally, though certainly in a very real sense, he
was in the crosshairs as he signed the treaty), and could have chosen to
face further destruction rather than surrender and accept his fate. he
chose to play out his hand, and he lost. he needs to suffer the same
consequences any other world citizen accepts as his or her fate should
he/she choose to thumb his/her nose at civilization.

6. many other thugs of his ilk should be brought to justice. until there
is such opportunity to work in a nonviolent manner, I occasionally subscribe
to malcolm x's credo "by any means necessary." this does NOT, in my mind,
contradict the previous statement, nor does it require the "good guy" to
lower him/herself to the level of the thug.

7. I hate war. I don't wish it upon anyone. I don't like sending troops
into battle, and I don't like the prospect of innocents being caught in the
crossfire. but I believe in the needs of the oppressed vastly outweighing
the needs of the oppressor and the needs of the currently innocent, but
oppressed nontheless.

8. I have too much coffee coursing through my veins.
cogent thought at 17:52 courtesy of Macker [ ]

pop-pop

we had "mini-Christmas" the other night. the kids' school has an annual holiday program called "angel's attic", wherein they bring in money to buy gifts for their families and friends. my son bought me a baseball cap last year that I continue to wear as my favorite.

my daughter proved this year that she is truly her mother's offspring. for one, she can she stretch a dollar for all its worth: she purchased two gifts each for me and my wife, plus gifts for her brother and sister, her cousins, and grandparents.

most of all, she touched her mother's heart in one of the deepest, softest spots, when she bought and wrapped a little gift for her "pop-pop, in heaven". "pop-pop" is my wife's father, who passed away before he had the opportunity to meet five of his six grandchildren; one of our few familial regrets.

pop-pop's legacy lives on in another generation's hearts.
cogent thought at 17:05 courtesy of Macker [ ]


tuesday, december 10

a critical analysis on the existence of santa claus

does santa really exist?
cogent thought at 11:12 courtesy of Macker [ ]


friday, december 6

catching up
my mom is in town. here since october, leaving saturday. went to see her mom the past couple of days. came back with an interesting second-hand story.

mom and dad divorced when I was five. got married several months before I was born. in december, in fact. as it turns out, tomorrow. either I never knew that (they were married in december of 1967), or I forgot. turns out, my dad remembered. in his words, the day before mom leaves to return to budapest is the day after their anniversary.

if things were different . . . they might have been married thirty-five years. that would mean I would be in the market for coral or jade . . .

~~~

this girl disturbs me. I'm just saying.

~~~

another season in my life has come to a close. I just finished the master's project (block two) course. that means I am officially halfway through the graduate certifcate program in creative studies and change leadership. it was a trying semester.

the changeswe underwent in buffalo were beyond description. they were as basic as restructuring our language, and as far-reaching as to cause some of my cohort to revamp their business plans and redraft their corporate mission statements. one of my ilk is now well known by the cio of her company, one that is very prominent in the holiday ads on tv right about now. another is teaching what she learned to several thousand students across dozens of college campuses in mexico. several are looking at starting creative studies programs in their own colleges. and of the eleven inaugural graduating cohort, fully 100% of them experienced major life change in the past year. it is safe to say the eleven of my cohort are on a similar change trajectory.

these are not coincidences. for when you begin to see all the ways there are to learn about and grow in and explore (and celebrate) the creativity that lies within all of us, you discover just how spot on oliver wendell holmes was when he said, "a human mind once stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

I have grown, changed, become a different macker. in ways I cannot entirely articulate. but I see things differently. it is as if layers of bad habits, low self-esteem, and a constant exposure to negativity have been progressively stripped away. as though my rose-colored glasses have been dusted, so the view is that much more crisp.

where once I would shut down in the face of change-resistant people, I now see myself confronted with a unique opportunity to share a dream with someone. a new way of thinking about an old chestnut. I am catalyst for growth in people's lives. although I am selective in my approach, I rarely leave people content with their status quo. it is far less enriching for me, and them, to go through life seeing things the way we have always seen them; living lives of routine. a quiet desperation of familiar habit. since buffalo, I am not satisifed with a routine life.

there is more. and I want to experience all of it.
cogent thought at 00:13 courtesy of Macker [ ]


sunday, december 1

thoughts of my semi-charmed kind of life
in retrospect, I would have liked to have instilled something more meaningful into my kids' lives this thanksgiving than to just recite our mutual thankfulness for mommy, daddy, each other, God, Jesus, and Gramma Jilly (who was in attendance), even if not necessarily in that order. it is easy to take for granted the many things we have that we should be regularly grateful for:

a good night's sleep
too many three meals a day
low blood pressure
that breath you just took
the ability to read
dexterity of fingers to maintain one's current lifestyle
sight
hearing
mobility
freedom
liberty
regular web hits

I'm having a mild stress attack this evening as I prepare one of three final submissions for my graduate distance learning course. one of the submissions is a summary of 360° feedback we received from participants in our change agent projects. here is the feedback I received from one of my cohort:

you are a leader for me. I don't want to focus on the flashy characteristics like charisma, risk, courage or even vision. I think you have all of them but also you have the immense talent of looking around and paying attention, protecting others and teaching them your kindness.

wow. I'm thankful for words like that in ways I cannot even begin to articulate.
cogent thought at 23:03 courtesy of Macker [ ]