cogent thought at
18:29 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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sunday, september 29
feats of ... my church hosted the strength team this past week for a series of crusades and public school assemblies (23, count 'em). we went to see them the first and last nights, and were treated to essentially the same program. the program is essentially a bunch of 300-lb. former nfl linemen breaking concrete bricks and such. much more fun tonight, as they just broke more stuff. mike hagen, the founder and former "power team" member, ripped a dozen phone books in half like they were sheets of paper. stever carrier, a guy who could stand to learn the meaning of the word "brevity" during the "testimony" times, broke 19 louisville slugger bats over his thigh. one 24-year-old kid named adam punched through a dozen bricks with his forehead, the freak.
but the big thrill of the night, after seeing my senior pastor get squashed between 1000 nails as they broke a 400-lb block of ice on his chest, was seeing another pastor named andre run through 8 or 9 foot-thick blocks of ice by hurling his body across a 20-foot stage. amazing.
these guys are freaks.
what is truly amazing, however, is that they do this for very little financial incentive. one might be quick to say it's the best way an ex-football guy can make a living, but one would not have seen their hearts or shaken their hands when saying it. certainly not when clarence, a member of the 1993 florida seminoles championship team who can bench 650 lbs. (the freak), is shaking one's hand.
no, it is too cut and dry to chalk them up to being large men with no other career aspirations. to meet them, to see the fire in their eyes, to watch them abuse their bodies by popping soda cans in their bare hands or snapping baseball bats across their spines -- like any other "see it to believe it" story, the tale is not told by reading second-hand accounts.
there are a number of unheralded folks out there, doing wacky, freakish, illogical things that the average person would look at and wonder why are they doing that? why did that kid quit the arizona cardinals to join the army? why do guys make a living breaking bricks with their forearms? why do drag racers hurl themselves down a 1/4 mile strip at 200 mph? why did abraham agree to sacrifice the son God promised him and his barren wife some 50 years prior?
who can say? but very few among us follow their inner voice; for some, it is their dissatisfaction with the status quo. for others, it is a "still, small voice", calling them to live at a level higher than is possible on their own. some are able to make a living doing what only dream of. some can make a life for themselves doing what we enjoy as recreation. some do what few are willing, pack their things and move to another part of the world. to me, it's people like them -- who put everything to the side, follow that voice, and trust God to make up for their inadequacies -- that are the truly unique. I'm sure jenn is not much for bending horseshoes into figure S's or rolling up frying pans into burritos; but what she does ever day, and what my mom does -- getting up morning after morning, thousands of miles from home, to serve others with her time, talent and presence -- is a true marvel.
the strength team is unique, but for so many more important reasons than their ability to turn concrete blocks into rubble. such people -- who follow a different path and live life on a higher level for the good of others -- cause me to take stock of my own life, and see if I can't raise it up a notch or two.
cogent thought at
22:01 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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cogent thought at
13:32 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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thursday, september 26
technology sucks what is it about sitemeter that in one day, my daily average visits jumped from 36 to 58? worse, they're all looking for naked pics of kids. what a quandary. I'm tempted to check the referral url on the way in and either redirect the perverts to a special page, telling them to leave, or getting reeeeallyfunkamentalist / evangelistic on them. quote scripture and say, Jesus can save you from your sickness, you freak! and such. may need to put this one to a vote; I'm torn right down the middle.
how to resolve? were I to put this issue to a creative problem-solving group, the challenge statement would be H2 prevent pedophiles from surfing my site? which is a far cry from my preference, H2 rid the world of monsters?
inconceivable currently watching the princess bride special edition, complete with commentary by rob reiner and william goldman. great fun. worth the watch, especially if you haven't seen it.
haven't seen princess bride? leave now, go rent it. we'll wait.
cogent thought at
20:50 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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wednesday, september 25
beam me up dr. gene scott is a hoot. hard to tell when (if) he's all there and when he's not, but a worthwhile listen. he's streaming 24x7, so clearly he has a lot to say; sifting the marrow from the bones is the fun part.
I scored a 2 on his first funkamentalist test, and a 0 on the second. not that I'm looking to make a trip to the cathedral any time soon.
cogent thought at
22:18 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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we're on a mark heard kick today ... goodness, was he brilliant.
what's that? not familiar with mark heard? shame on you, truly. go find out more about him, then come back. and not before.
cogent thought at
16:26 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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tuesday, september 24
prayer for the living marcus thinks he pulled a fast one on me, asking if I am aware that God sometimes says no. my sense of it is, God typically answers one of three ways when I pray:
1. yes 2. no 3. ask again sometime
I'm sure there are a couple of others, all in the same vein as those answers provided by a magic 8-ball. in my experience, when God does not answer my prayers with a binary yea/nay, it's usually because He wants me to talk to Him about something else in my life.
like when I ask for a raise, and don't get it; perhaps there was a reason I shouldn't get it: should I be content with what I make? should I learn to live more comfortably within my means? maybe the $400/mo. I'm spending for that brand-spanking-new, gas-sucking, rice-burner-eating, environmentally-unfriendly, earth-gouging, 35%-depreciated-seconds-after-driving-it-off-the-lot SUV could go to something more productive?
a lot of people I know like to ask God for patience, assuming they will suddenly have ultimate levels of tolerance for stupid questions, mindless interruptions and rubbernecking. that's like asking for washboard abs without expectation of about 1000 crunches per day: you don't get what you ask for without working the thing out in your life. and Lord knows, I ask for a chiseled physique, on average, about once a week.
my church used to be really big into street evangelism using the two-question test. one of the illustrations we used when people decided to put off making a life-changing decision was about how much of our lives we give over to God to show we really want Him to be an integral part of our lives. you don't tell the police that they can use their search warrant to toss your whole house except for that one drawer in the bedroom. God is similarly interested in working through us in the areas we are weakest; the soft spots, the hurts, the sensitive places we wish to keep hidden and protected the most.
likewise, when I ask for something, God has a wonderful way of pointing out what is getting in the way. like sit-ups, maybe. or the empty can of pringle's.
cogent thought at
14:32 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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so when denny's was suggested as a change of scenery that would induce calm and peace throughout the little folks, we jumped at it. hallelujah and pass the maple sirple.
cogent thought at
16:43 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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all of these are good. taken together, it's overload. so naturally I am focusing on just one at the moment. unfortunately, it should be the calvary road, as the directives from that trickle down in a decidely more ... spiritual ... manner than the others. at least, that's the thought.
as with every new stack of books, I get excited, i get into it about 5-6 chapters, I get excited about something new and move on. leading change was different, but not just because I had to read it for class. it not only engaged me, it energized me. much like leadership on the line: it is nearly prophetic in explaining the dangers of attack when leading people through what the authors call adaptive change. favorite quote so far (paraphrased): if leadership were about telling people happy thoughts, a lot more of us would be doing it. a gift from wednesday's encounter, it is pretty heavy (and heady) stuff.
rewind to tuesday. I spent the day with a cohort facilitating a rather elite organization in our business through the creative problem solving (cps) process. not only a very straightforward framework for solving problems, but also fundamentally about looking at challenges, goals, dreams and problems with an eye toward a creative solution or implementation.
translation: we showed some research folks how to be novel in their thinking.
now maybe you're thinking, "well DUH, mike. these people are in RESEARCH. of COURSE they know how to think novel thoughts.", and you'd be right. but few, if any, of us actually spend any time thinking about the thinking process. cps does that without boring the group to tears. and the cool thing is, the process is usually a lot of fun, but takes a lot of work to properly pull off a facilitation. I did my part well, but went long. we didn't get to finish up the whole process because we spent so much time on my part. I came away equal parts energized that I could do it with a group of unknowns (especially a group whose name carries a bit of prestige), but also frustration that I didn't manage the clock well at all. worse, I left with this pit in my stomach: is this it? is that all there is to it? why was there no synergy? where was the excitement we saw in buffalo?? what went wrong? it was almost de-energizing; not that the session didn't work -- the manager involved admitted we got farther than she ever would have expected possible, a testament to the process (and my cohort's facilitation acumen) -- but it didn't take off like I have seen it. not so much a letdown as a deflated sense of ... excitement ... about facilitating creative problem solving sessions.
fast forward a day. I meet a guy who runs a leadership development website, reads and writes like a freak. consults like a madman. has, like, zero time on his hands, but makes the most of it. an inspiration to behold; just a quiet storm, a slow burn, always on, always in the moment. as I have recently been called by my instructor, here's a guy who is a natural catalyst: when you're around him, you just want to do something.
that would be me. but then I try to spout off all the things I want to do, and here's what comes out: "I ... I want to be just like you."
oh.dear.god. does this man really want to co-author leadership articles with me?
fortunately, he is as friendly as he is energetic, humble, and self-effacing. creativity, he says, is like that: when you can hold two dichotomous ideas in perfect tension in your mind, you've really got something special. but most of us have to let that first ball bearing pop out of the queue, so the other ideas queued up behind it can get out.
clearly, I am one of those people. but must I keep writing haikus before the next idea will out?
cogent thought at
13:06 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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which is an interesting predicament to be in, considering I spent a day doing CPS facilitations yesterday (which requires the facilitator to debrief, something I have yet to document for myself), and a half day today securing a gentleman's agreement with a leadership development guy to co-author articles on his website. I've come up with about a dozen article concepts, but can't think of a single thing to say for any of them.
mental constipation is a terrible thing, only moreso when encountered in conjunction with an equally devastating bout of oral diarrhea.
I have lots to do there is no time to do it and yet, too much time
cogent thought at
22:16 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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as is my wont. a favorite phrase I like to employ whether fitting or no.
it is my wont to judge people, then chastise myself for it. I mean no harm. I have no cruel intentions, nor do I allow all the thoughts that pass through my mind to be known. besides, it is a rare thing indeed that I would say to myself, "self, what kind of hideous career aspiration is that?" more likely, as I encountered a rather unfriendly tolltaker on the jersey turnpike last night, "I wonder what he thinks of his time between clock punches?"
it's more of a sociological project than it is an exercise in disdain.
cogent thought at
22:02 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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I'm looking at the jacket photo of the band, and my natural first response is, what do these guys do all day long? as judge and jury, I am wont to conclude they should be doing something "productive" with their lives. as if the music they make is irrelevant, or they "ought" to be able to do that in their free time, when they're not earning their keep in society by holding down a "respectable" job and providing for their family.
as the self-proclaimed Authority on What People Should Do With their Lives, I think there is merit to this line of thinking. ok, sure, I'm sitting here at work typing this thing on company time. you could make the case that I am neglecting an important java app right now, and you would be right. but why I do what I do, and what a band like third day, and people like you do all day, is the question.
why do we do what we do? what motivates us and keeps us coming back? and where did we get the notion that the almighty career is so important?
careers are not inherently bad; they just seem to have this allure that makes us want to serve them. and so it is that most people I know who have serious career aspirations are pretty well sold out to The Man. the typical 9 to 5 day seems a rarity for most. chances are if you are reading this, you're reading it from work, and probably spending closer to 12 hours there today than 8.
ever wonder what God thinks of your career? as Jesus freaks, how exactly should we be spending our time when it comes to work? is it enough to say we punched the eight (plus)-hour ticket for the benefit of our dependents? or perhaps there is something more we should be doing with our time? for the non-Jesus freaks among us, what is it that you are so sold out to in theory, but pay only lipservice to when it comes to where you spend your time and money? is there no cause so important that it is worth sacrificing a car payment?
I am beginning to reconsider the necessity of the undergraduate degree, the m.b.a., the myriad business networking opportunities. especially when there may be productive uses of my time. how do I know the boys in third day didn't hear from God to write the riffs they wrote and crank 'em out in concert halls around the world? how do I know there isn't an urgency to do something more immediate with their time, such as play music that touches people's hearts and has the power to influence people to change their lives?
clearly, we are not all so blessed as to jam on a guitar all day and get paid for it. but we have all been given unique gifts and talents, and we are all called to do something special with them. maybe for some it is in the boardroom or conference room; surely for some it is the emergency room or courtroom. for others, it could be as seemingly insignificant as the coatroom or restroom. for the moment, my calling seems to be centered on a small computer lab (only about 1000 servers or so). but for a number of people I know, the call to give what they have for others is so strong that they have forsaken the commute, broken out of the monday to friday mold, and found a higher calling to follow after.
I'm not sure there is time enough in the day to put in a full week's work, spend time with my family and still be able to do something demonstrably charitable for my fellow bipeds. and I fear that the church has allowed itself, and its adherents, to fall into the trap that 40-60 hours a week and a soccer game is ministry in and of itself. perhaps it was true once; but there is an urgency to the days that I believe transcends our normal routine.
don't be surprised when you start to see more people taking a long, hard look at the daily grind and deciding there are things in life more important than keeping up with keeping up with the joneses' stock portfolio.
cogent thought at
15:35 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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and speaking of which marcus likes to say we occasionally go at it hammer and tongs. good texan that he is, today is no different. plus, I tossed a few more coals in the fire for good measure.
I'm sure he'd love to hear your thoughts as well.
cogent thought at
17:48 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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cogent thought at
08:40 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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tuesday, september 10
unsprung I fell for my self-made trap again. at a semi-formal church meeting last night, I confronted one of my fellow jesus freaks with the question of whether he was growing; I should have known better. he is growing, but it's not the kind of growth people generally like.
my good friend timothy has taught me a thing or two about trying to stuff 10 pounds of crap into a 5-lb. bag; usually you don't get it all in, and it inevitably spills out on those in close proximity. my friend was trying valiantly to keep all his in the bag he brought with him, and when I prodded a little too directly, the bag broke and spilled out all over the room. this was not necessarily a bad thing, except that he was an unwitting combatant in a discussion I doggedly pursued to the point of naked aggression on both sides. any goodwill or credibility poker chips I had stacked up earlier in the evening by walking the group through a very powerful problem solving session were cashed in by the end of the night; had we been playing strip poker, I would have been going home pretty close to, well, naked.
life, as they say, is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond to it. it is the same with people's perceptions of each other. very rarely does the point we're trying to make offend; it is almost always how we present it. turns out I give off a sense of the rabid defense attorney when I express my concerns to my fellow jesus freaks, which does not make for pleasant church-type meetings.
I recognize the error of my ways, and like any good recovering alcoholic knows, admitting the problem is the first step toward recovery. but identifying a problem is a long way from actually addressing it. I see the need to confront, when necessary, from a positive vantage point, to praise first (and last), and work from concerns in the middle. but I just.don't.know.how. or I forget in the heat of the moment.
as I write this, one of the pastors has emailed me to share his support of my desire to help improve how we do church. a very gracious statement, considering he was in my crosshairs for a good portion of the time my own bag of crap was getting ready to bust like a piñata all over the floor.
grace is an amazing thing. the ability God gives us to actually let people be stupid and not feel the need to squeeze the ever-loving breath from their windpipe is nothing short of a miracle. my fellow freaks were beyond gracious to walk out of our time together and tell me they (still) love me.
clearly I am growing, if slowly. the fact that it is painful reinforces the notion. but the learning exercise doesn't end by acknowledging the pain and angst of admitting to $*$#*~! up. the lesson ends when history repeats itself, but the outcome is entirely different: when I let go of this particular bag of crap.
it will be different for me, sure enough. maybe not next time, but it will be. I'll stake my poker chips on it.
cogent thought at
17:05 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive.
cogent thought at
16:20 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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the nothing- part two | part one the ordination went well, and not just because I heard from God. in retrospect, I told my friend mike, I realize I hear from God constantly; but all too frequently I just tend to ignore or dismiss Him. funny thing about God, as I have come to know Him over 24 years: He never forces His will upon me. if I choose not to listen, I am functioning within the constructs of my own will. I am exercising my God-given right to make up my own mind.
what you don't hear enough from your Jesus freak friends, perhaps because they were never taught it, is that the people God chooses to bless beyond our understanding are not those who spend frequent time speaking to Him, but those who regularly converse with Him. all God ever wanted from humankind was to have intimacy with them: a mutual give and take, an intensely familiar dialogue. what angered God in the garden of eden, and still today, is that adam and eve suddenly felt they needed more than God gave them: a visceral connection with I AM. they doubted His word, allowed themselves to be deceived, and suffered the natural consequence of no longer having an intimate relationship with Him because they allowed their own vainglory to intrude.
marcus likes to chide me that the extended gaze I may make at a shapely figure is entirely natural, and he would be right. but the logical argument I seem perpetually unable to make is that is exactly the problem. it is the very reason adam and eve angered God: they let themselves commune with the creation to the exclusion of the Creator. they set, and fell for, their own self-made trap.
we all have a self-made trap. mine, undoubtedly similar to yours, is the ability to philosophize my life in such a way that I am not only responsible for my successes, but wishing someone else were responsible for the failures. anything that takes our focus off of knowing, serving and intimately interacting with a holy God is the trap of a carnal mind, the sound and fury of self-indulgence, signifying nothing.
defining my trap is not an exercise in self-loathing; all evidence to the contrary, I neither revel in, nor torment myself over, the angst of my inadequacies (at least, not after I've written them down here). Jesus said apart from him we can do nothing; what giving light to it does for me is reinforce my need to know God for who He is and what He has done for me, and then revel in His love.
cogent thought at
12:13 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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friday, september 6
the nothing- part one | part two my pastor is being ordained an evangelist tonight. I've been negligent in being, as we say in the pentacostal world, "prayed up" (spiritually prepared to hear from God) for this event. fact is, I've been negligent for a few weeks. it seems a never-ending story.
amazing to me how quickly a lack of focus in prayer and reading scripture causes me to become easily influenced by my emotions. I'm reminded of paul's lament of continually sinning, even when he knows the good he should do, echoing Jesus's sentiment on our weakness. I couldn't agree more with either observation.
spiritual discipline is probably more difficult than the physical discipline of exercise; naturally I wouldn't know this first hand, because I haven't been on my bike in almost three weeks. and the self-defense mechanism kicks in: I feel good, you know? those trips to friendly's aren't taking their toll on me, so far as I can tell. I'm healthy. I still drink a quart of water at night to counteract all the bad stuff I ate today. really, it's cool.
so goes my defense of lost prayer time, my Bible study time, my devotions with the kids: I pray for the kids at bedtime, we pray at dinner, I read my utmost for his higest a couple times a week. shoot, I must be spiritual: they ordained me, didn't they?
the new testament is nothing if it is not an encouragement (and warning) that the spiritual life requires a "what have you done for me lately?" mindset. but the mindset is personal; Jesus told peter to feed His sheep. this is a constant fact of life, an expectation placed on His disciples as an event with some predictability or routine. a reasonable expectation of a regular occurrence. I cannot project that attitude onto others (fellow Christian believers or otherwise), for I have only to answer to Jesus for myself as to who His sheep are in my life, and how I should be feeding them with the fruits of mine.
but the carnal, unregenerate mind is a dangerous, unwieldy beast. it chooses to be our sole provider of advice, consolation and self-serving adulation. it is the first to throw us a pity party when the world mistreats us, the last to tell us the cold, hard truth when we screw up ... should it even concede defeat. it cares only for its own gain, talks a good game of love and compassion, while preaching the noblity of self-love and self-gratification above all else. not content to let others have a greater place of honor, it is masterful at convincing us of our self-righteousness.
but you're better than all that, aren't you? I know I sure am. you wish you had my humility. so what's your excuse? suck it up and prove yourself.
linkage ernie made it onto that God-awful show the weakest link. I may actually watch; this is the closest I've ever come to "knowing" someone on tv. except for marty, the former sales manager at a previous gig, who blamed the contestant's buzzer thing for not making it to double jeopardy.
cogent thought at
10:24 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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I did not know patty all that well, except to see her occasionally coming and going, or to hear her every few nights blaring her music so loud we could hear it in our house. it was those nights where she would tend to be on a serious bender, the evidence of which was characterized by her incessant screaming and yelling. we suspect she was abusing her mother while in a drunken stupor, but we could never prove it. both myself and my other neighbor took turns calling the police when patty got out of hand or we feared for her mother's safety.
this is the second death visited upon patty's mother in the time we've lived near her; the first was her husband, just a few months after we moved in. I never met him either, because he was already on his way out by the time we moved in, and he rarely left the house. but this time it is much more tragic, because this was her child. we expect, to some degree, the inevitability of death when we are grown adults, our children grown, living in the sunset of our years. we can justify the death of a life partner when they have had a "good run", even if we were not prepared for the inevitability. in the case of her husband, patty's mother was resigned to the circumstances, and has continued on with her life.
the tragedy that has been her latter years, ironically, was patty. she should not have gone at age 41. on the other hand, she probably should not have been living at home for her entire life. then again, she seemed to me ill-prepared to face life's realities, and so she hid from them, possibly driven to the inside a bottle of alcohol.
from what anecdotal evidence we have pieced together over the years, patty was always a problem child. but her parents did nothing to help her confront the demons she carried with her, up to and including her last day. more likely they were as much at fault for not helping her overcome whatever conditions she suffered from as she was for exacerbating it in later life.
what a tragic waste. there is no silver lining here.
more tragic because we sat by and watched patty deteriorate right in front of us. marcus made a very compelling point that no one -- liberal, conservative, evangelical, jew, athiest, civil libertarian, no one -- has made any effort to show compassion toward those in mozambique suffering horrifically under robert mugabe, and I wholeheartedly agree with him as I raise a hand and plead no contest to the charges of ignorance and apathy.
but I am more concerned at such a moment as this that I am culpable in not offering patty or her mother or brother enough of a helping hand, a friendly word or a warm smile from across the great divide that is our fence-partioned adjacent backyards. I know patty was responsible for her own life, but I also know, as solomon noted, that two are better than one ...
If one falls down, her friend can help her up.
what is faith, or evangelism, or friendship, if it is not sacrificing a short-term gain for me in order to offer long-term gain, ideally to someone else?
But pity the one who falls and has no one to help her up!
did I do all I could to be a help to patty or her family? am I doing all I can to live a life of radical, subversive, real love and faith? solomon notes the tragedy of being alone; how much more tragic if we choose to travel alone, thereby depriving someone of our own unique perspective on life, love, faith and friendship.
God help me if I choose not to lay down my life for my friends; God help us all if we turn our back on unconditional love.
cogent thought at
14:05 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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this is not a knock on my man ricky; I once considered a job offer wherein I insisted on saints season tickets, and it was only because ditka had just ransomed all his draft picks for him. this is a knock on the dumbass who co-wrote the article with him; either he doesn't know how to write -- he a paid professional -- or he intended to make ricky look stupid. either way, a shoddy job.
this season I'll be sticking with sports illustrated for my football insights.
cogent thought at
11:17 courtesy of Michael Ackerbauer [
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